Living life as a Dressed Oyster?? Preamble and digression...

I suppose when you're looking in at the weird and wonderful world of cross-dressing you would probably tend to initially clump us all together under the most common sort of label, possibly something like "Oh look, a bunch of trannies!". And to be honest, for your average stag do, Scaffolders Social or White Van Rally that would probably pretty much do. I mean why would you over-complicate things? 

Google Image 'A Bunch of Trannies' and this 
is what comes up. Slightly unexpectedly...

However, the trouble with such a harmless piece of banter is that nothing is more likely to inflame a cross-dresser's passion than to be incorrectly labelled. Criticize our skirts, ridicule our legs, mock our wigs... yes indeed such comments will dig deep and the barbs draw blood. We will slink away to lick our wounds and try to re-build our shattered egos. But should you dare to mislabel us then be prepared to face the full wrath of our potty mouths, the sudden thrust of surprisingly un-ladylike biceps and the stomp of a size 11 platform shoe on your instep. All of which will no doubt be captured on a passing phone only to come back to haunt you when humiliating footage of your good self being tonked by a raging cross-dresser surfaces on Youtube the following day. And you will wonder where it all went wrong. You will wonder exactly what it was you said. You will wonder how you seemed to be in complete control of the humiliation process only to have it suddenly flip. You sir will have been guilty of mis-labeling your opponent and for that you deserve all the sniggering upvotes your humiliation deserves...

Oyster Tranny? Apparently Tyranny is 
too hard to spell....

Now if I'm being honest, the only reason I'm venturing into the tricky waters of cross-dressing nomenclature is because I've just invented a new category of cross-dresser specifically for myself. Let it be known that I am now officially (subject to any legal challenge or any obscure EEC regulation of course) to be recognised as an 'Oyster Tranny' or, if you prefer, 'A Dressed Oyster'. (pause for muted fanfare)

Of course as a new and controversial sub-category of a much maligned parent group I couldn't resist Image Googling the term itself and am intrigued to show the following as the definitive, logarithmically determined definition of the term 'Dressed Oyster'. And lo and behold it looks like a dodgy 90s album cover. But it's actually a dodgy 70s album cover that's way ahead of its time (Blue Oyster Cult: Tyranny and Mutation (1973) to be exact)

OK, bearing in mind that no two cross-dressers can even agree on what shoes are permissible with a pair of black tights, this is my personal take on some of the current cross-dressing tribes and terms in common-ish usage.  After all if I wish Dressed Oyster to join them I should be clear about where it sits. There will be omissions, there will be points of debate, there will be squeals of indignation but for what it's worth, this is my personal pocket-sized take on our diverse, divided and divisive community. All to be taken with a pinch of salt of course (usual riders apply)

Drag Queen: Usually gay, flamboyant and acid tongued. Likes torch songs. Critiques the patriarchy but only lives for performance.

Outfits to Die for??

Panto Dame: Usually gay, flamboyant and acid tongued. Likes torch songs. Critiques the patriarchy, loves the prince but only lives for winter performances. Confuses children and Americans.

Tranny Psychos:  Mainly to be found in vintage movies and tv shows (sic). Wears women's skins, becomes their dead mother etc. Usually has a wig that falls off at awkward moments and an inability to apply lipstick or remove 5 o'clock shadow. Not ladylike at all!

Hairy Panty Wearer (HPW): Occasional part-timers grabbing a fleeting instant of make-believe. In the cupboard. Which is kept in a closet. Conveniently close to the wife's undies drawer. Where it may stay for the rest of their lives until they either explode or become...

Transvestite (tranny, TV): In the words of Madness, HPW's who venture 'One Step Beyond!!!' and actually resist the Act of Onan long enough to put on a few clothes. In the early stages this may closely resemble some of the beardy-men cross-dressing adverts on the telly, but without the faux innocence. The happy hunting ground of the guilt-ridden and those attempting to live a double-life.

Cross-Dresser: A 50 year old transvestite who shaves their legs and watches Youtube make-up tutorials for 18 year olds. Committed to the cause but have usually left it a bit late in the day to regard themselves as a...

TGirl:  A cross-dresser who has mastered the short skirt, the high heels and the selfie. These can be seen as the slicker elder sister of the 

TGurl: A cross-dresser who has mastered the art of the funky wig, the Doc Marten and the selfie. Even 'younger' manifestations can be seen in the

Sissie: Frills, white ankle socks and metres of shiny material draped artfully over petticoats and knickers. Usually instructed to dress in such a manner by legions of strict females so can't really be held responsible for their awkward predicament. Honest. And then there are

Adult Babies:  Nappies and bottles where gender is pretty much defined by the pink or the blue ribbon on your bonnet. The Trans no-mans land, especially as genetic women are often adult babies too. Confusing, so best back quietly out of the nursery to visit

"I know my place girls..."

Transgender: "Q. What's the difference between transvestite and transgender? A. About 18 months"  Cross-dressing may be an early stage in accepting a gender dysphoria and an essential stage on the route to transition. Or it may not. Tricky one that. Also I've a sneaky feeling that a lot of TGs regard TVs as a bit of an embarrassment and a barrier to their being accepted by the world in general. The Rubicon of gender has been crossed and they are now women so no longer cross-dressers and as I've little experience of the world of Male to Female (MTF) TGs I can only offer the following wildly inaccurate guidelines based on the famous vintage 'Class' sketch (and I can offer no thoughts at all on Female to Male (FTM) Trans Men. You're on your own there). 
Here we go then...

• Transgender (no-op):  Happy with the name change and the new wardrobe. And the laser of course. Bit squeamish about scalpels so retains more than most. Secretly looks up to Post-Op. Bit worried they bricked it.
• Transgender (pre-op):  Being a Pre-Op TG seems to be both a declaration of intent and the planting of a flag. Also the drawing of a line in the sand. And the determination to face a Brave New World. It also means you can secretly look down on Non-Op for bricking it whilst looking up at Post-Op for having finished everything, especially given how slow everything transition-related seems to go.
• Transgender (post op): Looks down from lofty peaks. Life is tough on the mountain but at least she's there, unlike those unfortunates lacking her experiences or bloody-mindedness. Officer class.

And then there are a few other groups where you really have to think about a bit that come under the heading GenderQueer. A bit like all the smaller parties and individuals that appear on polling sheets at the general election

Bigender. Too much of a good thing?

Gender fluid: Can't make up their mind what to wear and have exceptionally large wardrobes.

Androgynous: Boring outfits

A-gender: No gender. Really boring outfits

Bigender: Not someone with strong views on which part of an egg should be eaten (see Gullivers Travels) but someone with two distinct personalities, one male, one female. Very convenient but sounds a bit Jekyll and Hyde-ish to me 

There are probably lots more classifications and tribes out there but at this point it all starts to get a little 'People's Front of Judea' vs 'The Judean People's Front' for me so I'll call it quits for now. Anyway, this is all well and good but such a long diversion has totally undermined my original thought  regarding my own specific sub-classification of Oyster Tranny. So I guess I'll have to address that less than earth-shattering topic at a later date...